Finding my Happy Hat at Camp Grounded

“How was camp?”

I keep getting this question over and over. And, that’s the question I keep struggling to answer over and over. The reason is simple, really. A transformational experience can’t be summed up in a statement such as, “It was fun.” And the truth is that not all of it was fun. Growing isn’t always fun — or easy.

So, then how was camp? …

It started off really, really hard, and, it started before I left home. Three days before leaving for camp, I lost my 20-year-old cat, Lilly. She had been with me my entire adult life. Normally, I’d be typing this with her lying right next to me. But, on that day, she fell asleep and went over the rainbow bridge peacefully. The day after, I started packing for camp – an experience I wasn’t entirely prepared to be a part of in the head space I was occupying.

***

Digital Detox’s Camp Grounded is summer camp for adults. There’s no technology. There’s no work or age talk. There’s no alcohol. There aren’t even real names as those are replaced by nicknames. It’s a place to be who we really are at our core without the constraints we use as a society. It’s where our essence can come out to play and grow and transform. It’s also where our fears and anxieties can make appearances as without some of the social crutches we hold onto so tightly … our phones, our glasses of wine, our careers … we are there naked and raw.

So besides being heartbroken over the loss of my best girlfriend, I was incredibly anxious about a number of issues around camp:

1. I was going to be living off grid – cut off from my still new husband – for most of three weeks.
2. I never went to camp as a kid, so I wasn’t used to living in any kind of intentional community, or, in nature.
3. I didn’t know any of the close to 1,000 people (campers, volunteers, staffers) affiliated with the three-week experience.
4. I was coming not as a camper, but as a counselor and worried that my discomfort and sadness would make me an insufficient leader.

And then I arrived.

I met Fairy Bird and Hunny Bear and Golden Bird. I played with Ripple and Piña and Bubbles. I moved in with Meander and Scout and Pickle and Lunch.

And I had no idea what was happening. I only knew that I was excited … and scared … and (still) anxious. Despite my feelings, I was moving forward one tiny step at a time trying to find my place in the woods with strangers who knew nothing about me except that I had said “yes” to being part of this community for the next three weeks. And that “yes” was all that was needed to provide a physical – and emotional — place to temporarily call home.

***

When camp started two days after I arrived, it was a bit surreal. And then my first camper, Permission, arrived at Deer Village where I was co-counseling. She explained that her name meant that here in this safe space in the Redwoods she had permission to be herself in ways that she didn’t always have access to in her regular life. After hearing this bold declaration, I gave myself permission to be myself – imperfect, anxious, sad … but authentic.

As I invited authenticity to be my guide throughout my stay at Camp Grounded, I left my make up in my bag. This was my physical reminder to “just be me.” I noticed myself soaking in the offerings and letting them affect me. I looked at situations and people differently. I listened actively. I engaged intently. I was also able to offer campers a deeper look at themselves by exposing them to the very imperfect – and real — person I was during camp.

Three weeks later, after experiencing a range of emotions, I realized that although I reverted back to many junior high school feelings during my stay, I had also gone through an intense period of personal growth and development. What did I drive away with as I said my final goodbyes to Nomad and Topless and Barnaby?

I left with nothing more than many, many experiences to process as too much had happened to really be able to articulate just what had happened. A month later, I’m finally grounded enough to begin communicating about how camp really was …

1. Difficult. It’s difficult to be with strangers around the clock, in an unfamiliar environment, while also being in a leadership role for an extended period of time. However, it’s acceptable — and encouraged — to admit that this is a difficult thing. The campers and counselors and volunteers are a warm, welcoming, open group of people, so discussing struggles is part of daily conversations. Hunny Bear asked on day one, “How can I support you?” and that became a question repeated many times over in this community, which turned a difficult experience into one that (finally) screamed, “I got this!”
2. Inspiring. To be in a place where people are not only given permission but encouraged to experience new things, co-create, connect, sing, dance, play games, make art, do improv, write, learn, feel, communicate is a magical situation. No longer does age or career or backstory matter. What matters is one word: “yes.” I had the opportunity to say yes to myself and in doing so I accepted who I was and opened myself up completely to the experience that unfolded daily.
3. Exhausting. Before camp, I thought I had the extrovert thing down. And then camp happened and I realized that huge groups of strangers are actually very difficult — and tiring — to navigate for me. Small groups became the place where I flourished. And, just as I was discovering this truth about myself, everyone else was also realizing what social dynamic made them blossom. As this was all unfolding, we supported each other through uncomfortable situations knowing that each of us was processing the space differently depending on how we responded to various aspects of camp life.
4. Emotional. I didn’t realize how being in the Redwoods without technology and the comforts of home could stir up emotions, but that’s exactly what happened. Not only did it happen, but it also happened in cycles. Since I was there for three sessions, I began to identify emotional patterns. For example, Saturday mornings were highs as I was co-leading the improv playshop whereas Sunday nights were lows as the camp dance made me miss my husband terribly. No matter the emotion, the important thing I tried to remember was that it was fleeting. Appreciate the good stuff and be strong through the difficult periods as both are temporary. And, if you’re invited into the woods to “cry it out,” accept the invitation as someone saying “I hear you” as you’re trying to talk through tears isn’t something that happens every day! (Thank you, Pickle.)
5. Transformational. If one word could be used to describe my 22-day journey, this would be it. I arrived at camp with nothing more than a desire to experience adults at play. I left camp knowing that I can make it in the woods with a bunch of strangers without my technology and without my husband. I can feel uncomfortable knowing that it’s temporary and that comfort will return soon. I can be alright knowing that I wasn’t the craziest, the most popular, the funniest counselor … but, I was the counselor that was the most me. No other counselor thinks like me, feels like me, or talks like me. No other counselor has my gifts and delivers them in the way that I do. No one else looks at the world like I do, and that’s why I need to be the most me that I can be – at camp and at home.

It’s been a month since I left camp and it’s still challenging to describe what happened there. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to be out of my comfort zone with this group of strangers among the Redwoods in Northern California. I’m also grateful that this same group invited – and encouraged – me to be myself, so that I could give authentically to others. No matter what roll I had at camp or what roll I have in the “real world” I know two things: 1) My fears and anxieties are similar to those experienced by others as that’s what makes us human. 2) My gifts and my viewpoints are unique and that’s what makes me different.

At camp, my name was Adventure Cat. By session three, I was wearing “Happy Hat” — a red bowler with a rainbow band and a daisy. When I’m wearing Happy Hat, I become Adventure Cat – a person that’s authentically open to adventure. This person is also open to authentically connecting to others at home and while traveling. Happy Hat and I went to the World Domination Summit in Portland last week. While that experience is a whole different story, of course, one thing remained the same – the spirit of camp was with me while I wore Happy Hat. It reminded me to be open, to be grounded, and to be me – with a smile.